In this blog I am going to talk about the ways that being abused as a child stuck with me deep into my adult life. It is amazing that parents who abuse and the children who are abused do not know that they live in an abusive situation. In my opinion, most abusive parents think they are doing what’s good for their children. I thought that we were the average normal family. As a young adult, I went about fighting in a war, getting a college education, getting married, having children and supporting my family.
I did not realize that the times when I was felling disconnected and irritable, I was actually having a panic attack. As I got older these attacks, became more and more frequent. The attacks were stronger if I was under stress to do something that I felt insecure about doing.
I also started to notice that I did not have a lot of trust in people. I watch people like a hawk , always waiting for them to do something damaging to me. In all my relationships, the trust factor was zero. One had to work hard to prove that I should trust or love them.
Sinse my mother was the abuser, I saw women as the enemy. My interaction with women on a daily basis was strained at best. I had no concept of what good parenting looked like and fumbled my way through raising my three boys. I did not appreciate motherhood at all, because I thought all mothers were like mine.
The biggest problem that I wrestled with was my temper. I had a very short temper and an intense one. The older I got, the worse my temper got. It seemed that big problems I could handle but small problems would set my temper off. I realized over time that when I felt most insecure was when my temper really became intense. I would actually scare people.
I did not realize that there was a problem until my forties. I had been married to the love of my life (Jan) about five years when we started having problems with our relationship. My attitude was bad, I was very negative and I was not a nice guy to be around and I could not tell you why all this was happening.
I give my wife all the credit in the world for sticking with me during this period of my life and helping me to recognize the root causes. Her love and concern helped me get through the damaging side effects of child abuse.
I also praise God for helping me come to the realization that I must forgive my parents even though both had already passed. I gave my hatred of my mother to God and he took that heavy weight off my shoulders.